Tea and Consent

my-body2There should be no gray area when it comes to consent and sexual assault. And yet, when I found myself, once again, in an argument with a grown man who insisted and attempted to mansplain the ‘grey area’ of consent and the ‘blurred lines’ of rape, I found myself so filled with anger and disbelief that I couldn’t bear to continue sitting across the table from him.

You see, it scares me that, in this day and age, with revelations of sexual assault by men in positions of authority flooding our newsfeeds, I can still be faced with a grown, educated adult who will argue that there are grey areas when it comes to what does and does not constitute consent and rape.  Even so, upon reflection and when I look at some comments on a variety of media, there still seems to be a serious lack of understanding among both young people and adults alike about what constitutes consent and healthy sexual behaviors.

These are actual comments left on a video that I have featured below:

  1. “LOL. Sorry but she was asking for trouble. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.”
  2. “People that get absolutely smashed – well, how are you meant to look after yourself like that.”
  3. “Others will take advantage.”
  1. Being intimate or social with someone does not automatically lead to sexual intercourse. Dating, flirting, kissing or being intimate do not convey consent to sex. Consenting in the past or being in a relationship does not mean consent is automatically given in the future.

2. Responsibility for rape rests solely with the perpetrator. Someone on drugs or too drunk to make decisions doesn’t have the mental capacity to give consent.

3. Both parties have to agree to sex. When someone is asleep or unconscious they cannot make a choice or give consent.

If a person is intoxicated or unconscious, they cannot give consent. If a person says no, at any time, no matter what, they are not giving consent. If a person says yes, then changes their mind and says no, they are not giving consent. If a person is younger than the legal age of consent, they cannot give consent. If a person says nothing, they are not silently giving consent.

This needs to be taught in schools, homes, workplaces  —  everywhere.

Why? Because, rape culture is alive and well and sitting across from us at the table attempting to mansplain itself.

When the statistics of rape and sexual assault still sits at one in three women, the issue cannot be ignored. And, when we discover “court-created loopholes” around laws about sexual assault and rape, we cannot let them stand.

In October, Thames Valley Police released this video, an illustration of an original blog linked below, comparing consent to tea.

But the comparison is not only effective, it quite clearly condemns any attempts to claim murkiness around the subject. Because if you get when it is and isn’t OK to serve tea, you can’t really claim ignorance when your initially willing partner slips into unconsciousness.

Too many people are not getting the justice they deserve, and too many perpetrators are not held accountable.

Every day, women across the country consider the risks. That is our day job and our night shift. We have a diploma in risk consideration. Consider that skirt. Consider that dark alley. Consider questioning your boss. Consider what your daughter will think of you. Consider what your mother will think of what your daughter will think of you. Consider how it will be twisted and used against you in a court of law. Consider whether you did, perhaps, really ask for it. Consider your weight. Consider dieting. Consider agelessness. Consider silence.Amber Tamblyn

And while I did walk away in rage after my conversation the other day, I know that the conversations need to be had. I hope that we will continue to have honest and informed conversations about consent and healthy relationship behaviors within our communities so that we can prevent crimes like this from happening in the first place and truly start to challenge this pervasive rape culture in our societies.

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Why Girl’s Education Matters…

When a girl has self-belief and is supported by her family and community; when she’s empowered with skills, ideas and knowledge; when she has access to services, role models and other girls: when she is visible and vocal – she can demand to stay in school, to get healthcare, and to get married and have children when she chooses.

This week I was faced with a piece of information that made me despair. The statement of a country leader that they would not allow teenage mothers to return to school to continue their education after the birth of their child.

Pregnancy during adolescence has been associated with school drop out among girls in developing countries for many years. In Tanzania, girls are often expelled from school when they are found to be pregnant. According to a 2013 report by the Centre for Reproductive Rights, over 55,000 adolescent girls were either forced to drop out or were expelled from schools because of pregnancy between 2003 and 2011. Although their research “revealed no national-level law, regulation, or policy explicitly requiring the expulsion of pregnant students”, they found a widespread belief among teachers, school administrators and education officials that this practice is required by law. Expulsion from school has a big impact on the lives of these girls. It decreases their likelihood of earning a good income. They are also often faced with stigmatization by their peers, parents and wider communities.

5e387a99383d23ec778be3d93eaf740aWhen girls are healthy and their rights are fulfilled, they can go to school, learn and gain the skills and resources they need to be healthy, productive and empowered adults – disrupting the cycle of poverty. In the last two decades, we have seen enormous advances in girls’ educational attainment at the primary level. However, girls in most regions, particularly the poorest and most marginalized, continue to fall behind at the secondary level.

Sexual and reproductive health and rights issues, especially gender-based violence and adolescent girls’ vulnerability to child, early and forced marriage, unintended pregnancy, and HIV and other sexually transmitted infections impede girls’ educational aspirations.

Here are some of the facts…

  • A significant proportion of girls become pregnant during the time that they should be in school: About 19% of girls in the developing world become pregnant before age 18, and about 3% become pregnant before age 15.
  • This is not just a Tanzanian issue. About one-third of girls in the developing world are married. In South Asia, nearly 50% of girls are married before age 18, and in Sub-Saharan Africa, nearly 40% are.
  • Not coincidentally, these are also regions where the gender gap is greatest between boys and girls at the secondary level.
  • Girls with no education are three times more likely to marry before age 18 than those with secondary or higher education.
  • Girls with only primary education are twice as likely to marry early as those with secondary or higher education.
  • Girls and boys often lack access to information and services that would improve their sexual and reproductive health and educational status. In Sub-Saharan Africa and South Central and Southeast Asia, more than 60% of adolescents who wish to avoid pregnancy do not have access to modern contraception.
  • Violence undermines access to school as well as learning. A recent nationwide study in Tanzania reported that three of every 10 Tanzanian females age 12 to 24 had been victims of sexual violence. Of these, almost 25% reported an incident while traveling to or from school, and 15% reported an incident at school or on school grounds.

investing-girls-quoteBy not allowing teenage mother’s to return to school after the birth of their child, a country is doing more harm to their economic prospects than good. Girls completing secondary  school in Kenya would add  US$27 billion to the economy over their lifetimes. If Ethiopian girls completed secondary school, the total contribution over their lifetimes is US$6.8 billion. If young Nigerian women had the same employment rates as young men, the country would add US$13.9 billion annually.

GIRL EFFECT: UNLEASH HER POTENTIAL
To start, give girls voice and listen. They’ll tell you what they need: all the skills, assets, and opportunities listed below.
1. Get girls through secondary school so they can participate fully in their communities and economies.
2. Provide designated girl spaces so every girl gets a running start to build networks, master skills, and share her voice.
3. Invest in the best solution to prevent HIV/AIDS and reduce maternal mortality: girls.
4. Incentivise communities to eradicate child marriage.
5. Give girls land rights to accelerate agricultural productivity and achieve food security.
6. Invest early so girls save money, build economic assets, and move from burdens to breadwinners.

 

“Women’s empowerment helps raise economic productivity and reduce infant mortality. It contributes to improved health and nutrition. It increases the chances of education for the next generation.”
― Nicholas D. Kristof, Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

On ’13 Reasons Why’…

**trigger warning for sexual assault and suicide in relation to 13 Reasons Why book and series**

It took me a while to summon up the courage to watch 13 Reasons Why. The subject matter alone is tough to watch but, having read many reviews, I was acutely aware of the fact that it did not shy away from any of the brutal reality of what the characters experience…..and I wanted to feel ready to watch that within my own space and time.

13 Reasons Why has received a huge amount of backlash. Suicide prevention organisations have called what they depicted ‘gratuitous and triggering’. Sexual assault survivor support groups have asked for more warnings to be put on the show…

I knew before I pressed play that this was going to be tough viewing.

Years ago I read the book 13 Reasons Why and it broke my heart. I found it a tough read and I felt so much heartache for what everyone in the book experienced. Now, aged 33, watching 13 Reasons Why and seeing these characters depicted on screen is still as tough and brutal and heartbreaking.

However, I applaud the producers of this show for depicting this honestly and unapologetically. These experiences are so often shied away from in mainstream media – glossed over or not even acknowledged. It is important to tell these stories. It is important for people to see the brutal reality of what happens and the aftermath.

It’s important for people to talk about this.

I want to talk about four characters stories in particular: Bryce, Clay, Jessica and, of course, Hannah.

In case you haven’t read the book or seen the show – there are spoilers from now on…

Let me start with Bryce. Bryce is a predator and at no point in his life has he been told that what he is doing is wrong. He believes that he has the right or the monopoly on girls bodies. At one point, in his confession to Clay that he raped Jessica and Hannah he says, “They were pretty much begging me to fuck them. If that’s rape, then every girl in this school wants to be raped.” Rape culture is real and it’s dangerous. From Brock Turner to Dr Luke, victim blaming and rape culture clearly exists within our society. Young men are taught to ‘man up’ and ‘get some’ but at no point are they taught about consent and about respect. Bryce is a product of that environment. First he rapes Jessica while she is passed out drunk at a party. If you have ever watched ‘The Hunting Ground’ or ‘Audrie & Daisy’, you will be aware of the sheer prevalence of this crime for young women today. Having no one call him out on what he did, in spite of Jessica’s boyfriend knowing that his long time best friend had raped his girlfriend, Bryce goes on to rape Hannah. He shows no remorse, no recognition that what he did was wrong. Even when he is confronted, he defends his actions, saying that the girls were ‘asking for it’. Bryce has never been told he is wrong and, unless stopped, will most likely continue to offend – believing that it makes him ‘a man’ when he is anything but.

“You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life. Everything. . . affects everything.”
Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

And then there is Clay – the recipient of Hannah’s tapes when we meet him in the series. Clay feels every second of Hannah’s story as he listens to each of the tapes, painstakingly following her footsteps through the recordings and continuously wondering what he could have done to change the events that occurred. In short, Clay is the antithesis of Bryce. Clay’s empathy for Hannah, after hearing her story, is overwhelming for him – to the point where he beats himself up, becomes ill, depressed and self-destructive. He is, in effect, collateral damage from Hannah’s experiences and decision.  He is forever changed by all he hears and his eyes are opened so brutally to the reality of the people he is surrounded by. Thankfully we leave Clay on a hopeful note as he reaches out to someone who is struggling in her own way – understanding that change begins within.

Jessica’s story resonated with me in a big way. Her denial and confusion over that night at the party, her desire to act out without knowing why, hiding in alcohol and partying, trying to dull the pain and face the reality of what happened. Jessica’s silence within the lawyers interview, her fear of speaking out about what Bryce had done, her feelings of shame and blaming herself – every sexual assault survivor has gone through these emotions. Her reactions were symptomatic of a society of victim-blaming – where a college athlete who rapes an unconscious woman is given a 3 month sentence and revered in reports as ‘just making a mistake – he should not have his life ruined because of it’. The psychological effects of sexual assault are irreparable. As a survivor, you are forever changed. Jessica is forever changed. Her final scenes where she speaks to her father about what happened to her were, for me, amongst the most emotional in the series. You feel like she will finally get the help that she so desperately needs and the slow healing process can begin.

tenorHannah. Hannah’s story could have gone in a different direction at any moment yet, it did not. Surrounded by misogyny and slut-shaming, she starts to feel more and more alone and victimised. People are cruel and heartless towards her and she is both the victim of and witness to sexual assaults from multiple people. She begins to feel worthless and becomes self-destructive. Even when someone as kind and caring as Clay comes along, she is unable to let go of what has happened to her so far – she is already changed and suffering from the psychological effects of the relentless cruelty of her peers. When Bryce rapes her, she says on her tape that he ‘broke her soul’. Hannah’s final decision is heartbreaking and horrifying. The honest portrayal of what happens and the aftermath of such a choice was confronting and ugly and crushing – the sheer bravery of a series to not shy away from the subject is admirable. Within her tapes, however, you see glimpses of a life that could be, a future she could have, and what more there is out there for her. It is heartbreaking to see and to know that Hannah’s decision means she never gets to see that future, and her family and friends never get to see that future.

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I feel like 13 Reason Why’s controversy stems a huge amount from fear of talking about these subjects – and yet, staying silent is the worst thing you can do. Hannah’s story could have gone another way if someone….anyone…had asked, cared enough, been ready to listen and to stand up for her. Jessica’s story could have been different if the ‘bro-code’ had meant calling out your friends when what they are doing is wrong. Clay’s story could have been different if he had persevered and waited ready to listen to Hannah. Bryce’s story could have been different if he had been taught the importance of consent and respect.

In the end, talking about these subjects is the first step towards real change…