On loving fiercely…

“A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.”

―Agatha Christie, “The Last Séance”

On UK Mother’s Day last weekend, I posted a photo collage of my beautiful Mama on Facebook with this caption:  29025929_10155383164987285_1739070496427314569_nHow lucky I am to have been raised by this incredible woman. Every good thing in me comes from her: my strength, my courage, my humour, my determination, my fiestyness, and the way I love. She gave me wings to fly and is the roots of my tree to return to. Thank you, Mum, for loving us so fiercely and unconditionally.

It got me thinking about fierce love. Love that comes from someone who: unconditionally wants what is best for you; believes in you completely and without limits; has stood by you through rough times; fights for you, even when you have no idea that you need to be fought for; knows the worst of you and still waits for you with open arms; puts you first always; sacrifices for you; lets you be who you want to be without hampering you; gives you complete honesty enveloped in love.

In my Mama’s case, carried me in her womb for 9 months, fed me for hours on end when my cleft palate would not allow food to go down my throat, waited outside an operating theatre for long hours while I, as an 18 month old baby, underwent major reconstructive surgery to repair my non-existent palate, nursed me through recovery, sat through years of speech therapy with me, advocated for me in school when I was having hearing issues and falling behind, fought to give me and my sisters every opportunity that we could have in school, when I wanted to spread my wings – she let me and gave me a safe and secure place to come home to, and when I finally shared with her what had happened on one of the worst nights of my life, she responded only with love. Fierce love. Unending love.

I am thankful – so thankful – to have been brought up by a mother who continues to love so fiercely.

“Mothers, I believe, intoxicate us. We idolize them and take them for granted. We hate them and blame them and exalt them more thoroughly than anyone else in our lives. We sift through the evidence of their love, reassure ourselves of their affection and its biological genesis. We can steal and lie and leave and they will love us.”

―Megan Mayhew Bergman, Birds of a Lesser Paradise: Stories

Advertisements

Our Movement Was Made For This Moment {{VDay 2018}}

VDAY18logo.en

One out of three women worldwide will experience physical or sexual violence within their lifetime. One in 3. 

The statistic alone is terrifying, yet in the wake of #MeToo, The Larry Nassar trial, pussy-grabbing Presidents and Weinstein’s ‘open secret’ in Hollywood, it is no longer that hard to believe.

Twenty years ago, when Eve Ensler wrote ‘The Vagina Monologues’, the mere utterance of the word ‘vagina’ was groundbreaking. When people wouldn’t even say the word, much of the truth about what happened to vaginas was repressed, denied, kept secret, and coated in shame and self-hatred.

Now, in the 20th year of the resulting VDay movement, people might ask if what we are doing is still relevant – are ‘The Vagina Monologues’ still relevant? My answer is yes, yes and yes. In fact, they couldn’t be more important at this time.

Over 51% of the world’s population has vaginas, clitorises, vulvas, and many to this day do not feel comfortable, familiar, free, or endowed with agency over them. Let’s remind ourselves of that statistic, shall we: One out of three women will experience physical or sexual violence in her lifetime.

For the third year here in Arusha, we are producing ‘The Vagina Monologues’ in a benefit production as part of the global VDay activist movement to fight violence against women and girls. Our beneficiary this year is the Network Against Female Genital Mutilation which works here in Northern Tanzania to eliminate all forms of FGM through information, awareness, and sensitization campaigns which target the grassroots and empower them to stop the practice. The magnitude and persistence of FGM continues to shock those who come across it, as it affects vulnerable girls by violating their child rights and entitlement to bodily integrity.  FGM is a form of gender-based violence and has been recognised as a harmful practice and a violation of the human rights of girls and women. According to the World Health Organisation, it is estimated that more than 200 million girls and women alive today have undergone female genital mutilation in the countries where the practice is concentrated. Furthermore, there are an estimated 3 million girls at risk of undergoing female genital mutilation every year. The majority of girls are cut before they turn 15 years old. Like many African countries that practise FGM, there are significant regional variations in prevalence here in Tanzania. The regions of Arusha, Dodoma, Kilimanjaro, Manyara, Mara and Singida all have rates of FGM prevalence between 20-70%. Yes, 70%.

I sometimes wonder, in the midst of such statistics, if what we are doing is even making a difference. And then I will look at what VDay has done in the past 20 years, and what we have done here in Arusha in the past 3 years. VDay globally, since 1998, has raised over $100 million dollars for grassroots anti-violence groups, rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, and safe houses in places like Kenya and Afghanistan. V-Day supports and launched the City of Joy, a revolutionary center for women survivors of gender violence in the Democratic Republic of Congo, which has graduated over 1000 women leaders. In over 100 countries, VDay activists have impacted their own communities, educating people in women’s rights, opening people’s eyes to the realities faced by women across the globe, breaking taboos and creating space to talk about that which has been kept in secret and hidden for centuries.

What we do makes a difference. What we say is relevant.

Our movement was made for this moment.

 

 

Tea and Consent

my-body2There should be no gray area when it comes to consent and sexual assault. And yet, when I found myself, once again, in an argument with a grown man who insisted and attempted to mansplain the ‘grey area’ of consent and the ‘blurred lines’ of rape, I found myself so filled with anger and disbelief that I couldn’t bear to continue sitting across the table from him.

You see, it scares me that, in this day and age, with revelations of sexual assault by men in positions of authority flooding our newsfeeds, I can still be faced with a grown, educated adult who will argue that there are grey areas when it comes to what does and does not constitute consent and rape.  Even so, upon reflection and when I look at some comments on a variety of media, there still seems to be a serious lack of understanding among both young people and adults alike about what constitutes consent and healthy sexual behaviors.

These are actual comments left on a video that I have featured below:

  1. “LOL. Sorry but she was asking for trouble. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.”
  2. “People that get absolutely smashed – well, how are you meant to look after yourself like that.”
  3. “Others will take advantage.”
  1. Being intimate or social with someone does not automatically lead to sexual intercourse. Dating, flirting, kissing or being intimate do not convey consent to sex. Consenting in the past or being in a relationship does not mean consent is automatically given in the future.

2. Responsibility for rape rests solely with the perpetrator. Someone on drugs or too drunk to make decisions doesn’t have the mental capacity to give consent.

3. Both parties have to agree to sex. When someone is asleep or unconscious they cannot make a choice or give consent.

If a person is intoxicated or unconscious, they cannot give consent. If a person says no, at any time, no matter what, they are not giving consent. If a person says yes, then changes their mind and says no, they are not giving consent. If a person is younger than the legal age of consent, they cannot give consent. If a person says nothing, they are not silently giving consent.

This needs to be taught in schools, homes, workplaces  —  everywhere.

Why? Because, rape culture is alive and well and sitting across from us at the table attempting to mansplain itself.

When the statistics of rape and sexual assault still sits at one in three women, the issue cannot be ignored. And, when we discover “court-created loopholes” around laws about sexual assault and rape, we cannot let them stand.

In October, Thames Valley Police released this video, an illustration of an original blog linked below, comparing consent to tea.

But the comparison is not only effective, it quite clearly condemns any attempts to claim murkiness around the subject. Because if you get when it is and isn’t OK to serve tea, you can’t really claim ignorance when your initially willing partner slips into unconsciousness.

Too many people are not getting the justice they deserve, and too many perpetrators are not held accountable.

Every day, women across the country consider the risks. That is our day job and our night shift. We have a diploma in risk consideration. Consider that skirt. Consider that dark alley. Consider questioning your boss. Consider what your daughter will think of you. Consider what your mother will think of what your daughter will think of you. Consider how it will be twisted and used against you in a court of law. Consider whether you did, perhaps, really ask for it. Consider your weight. Consider dieting. Consider agelessness. Consider silence.Amber Tamblyn

And while I did walk away in rage after my conversation the other day, I know that the conversations need to be had. I hope that we will continue to have honest and informed conversations about consent and healthy relationship behaviors within our communities so that we can prevent crimes like this from happening in the first place and truly start to challenge this pervasive rape culture in our societies.